God, Family, Country and HD


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----- Original Message -----
From: Phillip J. Hardt <phardt1@HOME.COM>
Sent: Sunday, November 28, 1999 6:58 PM
Subject: God, Family, Country and HD-sensative [sic]

[Paragraphs added for clarity.]

I'm not quite sure how to put this since I've only really started thinking
about it. Or, should I say that I've been thinking about it, and haven't
been able to come up with an acceptable answer yet. I have noticed a
definite decrease in my feelings, emotions, beliefs, love, testimony,
fervor, whatever yu [sic] want o call them, toward God, Family and Country. I
don't know if it's apathy, complacency, or possibly caused due to brain
cells dying and memory retrieval not being able to "link" up or "associate"
my great love for these the way it used to, or maybe something else.

What I do know is that I now feel differently about all of these than I did before
my symptoms started. Don't get me wrong, I haven't lost faith altogether,
but it's scary because my feelings are the antithesis of what they were
before. Someone mentioned in a previous e-mail here that they felt like
they didn't have a "conscience" any more. I think this is also part of it.
I think, on a "superficial" level I still know that God does exist and
answers prayers but my convictions don't feel as deep and deep-emotion-based as they were before. Now I go to church more out of habit (wrong reason),
than conviction (right reason). I feel like I could either "take it or
leave it" instead of being willing to die for Zion.

The same applies to my family. On an intellectual level I can tell you that I still love them, but these feelings and emotions are completely different from the ones that I've ever experienced in the past-even to the point of being totally void of
feelings sometimes. My feelings about America and our flag are similar. I don't feel imbued with the patriotism I had before. It's hard to explain unless you're actually experiencing it. I honestly don't think that I'm angry with God, I've accepted having HD as His will. Why are these foundations crumbling now? Are they part of the cognitive changes that are taking place? Is it part of the fluctuations of misinformation that I inevitably get regarding everything I receive as responses from my brain?

Do you lose, or become confused, about the things that you held in highest
regard before, and loved with all your heart? Hopefully someone else has
experienced similar concerns or has an answer for me. Thanks for


Phil Hardt     phardt1@cox.net    602-309-3118


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