Why Can't I Make Up My Mind?


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----- Original Message -----
From: Phillip J. Hardt <Phil_Hardt@email.msn.com>
To: Huntington's Disease Discussion <HUNT- DIS@MAELSTROM.STJOHNS.EDU>
Sent: Sunday, October 10, 1999 9:06 AM
Subject: Why can't I make up my mind

[Paragraphs added for clarity.]

Is not being able to make up your mind on important matters a symptom
that other Phds have experienced? I vascillate [sic] back and forth on what to
do, almost to the point of derision. If you ask me one minute if I want to
stay at home it's "yes." If you ask another moment it's "no." Before, when
I'd try to make a decision, it was more "automatic" and "final." Maybe
there was a firmer "foundation" of values, etc. that used to be there and
would help make questions like this very easy to answer. Now it's like this
foundation has crumbled and broken up into quicksand where everytime [sic] I try to rely on my mind to figure this question, and others out, all I get is
changing answers and more confused.

Maybe this is the same logic at issue like so many have discussed previously, about putting a loved one into a rest home and vascillating [sic] back and forth about is it right or not. Maybe it's something you just have to learn to live with. I think this disease is harder on those getting it earlier (since my dad and uncles started showing symptoms in their 60s) because we're still "young" enough to yearn for the independence we once knew and loved. Maybe we don't want our spouses and families to have to take on the burden of our care at such an early age.

One side says go out and live it up while you still can while the other side says settle down and be content, don't blow this now or you're going to die a lonely man. Is it guilt, pride, the "old" me fighting with the "new" me? causing action paralysis. My wife can sense changes in my actions and attitude towards her and doen'st [sic] want me here unless I'm committed to our marriage 100%. I honestly don't know if I will ever be again. Am I being untrue to her and the kids by staying here and pretending that everything is okay when inside of me the vascillations [sic] continue?

I love them, how can I begin to have thoughts of resentment enter my mind now that my children are a burden to my freedom and ability to go places, do things, be spontaneous, etc., etc. I always hoped that if I had any ailments in life that they would be physical because I was confident that I could compensate mentally for them. Now I feel like my mind is turning to "mush" first and I'm not
able to compensate for anything, physical or mental. If any of you have
experienced similar situations, please let me know how you handled them.
Thanks for listening....Phil


Phil Hardt     phardt1@cox.net    602-309-3118


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